Imaginary people invading the real world
I have some great news, my friends: I finished the first draft of my novel today! You can probably imagine how happy I am about this after months of work and partly struggling with writer’s block. The draft is almost 85,000 words long and has some in some parts already polish. It turned out vulgar, outright pornographic in parts and the thought of my parents reading it makes me want to crawl into a very dark hole. In some way that’s almost reassuring, but since they know my pen name, I probably can’t prevent them from buying a copy if I ever publish it. Scary!
Where it will go is still written in the stars. First I will have to start editing it. Only after the first, or maybe the second edit I will actually show it to other people. Since I’m in a bit of a grey area with some of the details, I will also have to make sure I don’t piss a certain person off, who happens to feature in the novel. This can either be a very bad thing if this person has a problem with it, since rewriting the lead character kind of defeats the point. However, if this person actually likes it, then this could actually open up some cool possibilities. At this point I can only be very unspecific about this, but I hope that it will all work out for the best.
I will now leave the novel be for a few days, since I will be busy with work stuff, but I expect to start editing in June.
I have also been working a little bit on a different project that is slowly taking shape. However, it’s a somewhat disturbing in some ways, so that I can only work on it over short periods. I tend to have the problem that my characters start invading the real world. The best example is the lead character of my novel. He’s obsessed with records and since I did a lot of research about the topic, I ended up buying some records myself and getting my brother’s old record player out of storage. Since the record player is rather shitty though I’m now planning on buying a good one and have literally spent hours researching the right kind of record player. I imagine, that once I have it, I will end up getting a new system for it as well, which will take more hours of research and so on. All because my lead character happens to be fanatic about records.
japanese spider crab © Lilly Schwartz 2012
Then there is the thing with the Japanese Spider Crab. One day this little monster featured in my other project in some remote thought of the main character. It really was a rather unimportant side remark and I can’t even remember how I even came up with mentioning it. However, days later I still ended up in the Sealife Centre here in Berlin, because they happened to have one of those beasts there. They can have a span of 4m and look really scary. Since this project meanders from one bizarre thing to the next I try to only spend a few days in a row on it, since I don’t want it to invade my life too much. I should probably also never write about really crazy characters, because it would probably mess with my head.
At the same time this very knowledge that fictitious characters can well start to have a real impact on your life as a writer is something that I really cherish about having written this novel. Writing gets you a lot closer to a story than reading it and it somewhat makes me wonder about some of the more disturbing books I’ve read over the years. I wonder what these books have done to their authors.
New ideas and some progress
These last few days have been rather productive when it comes to writing. Although I have been trying to work mainly on the novel, I was inspired to work also on a different project that combines writing with visual imagery. I used to do this already many years ago in quite a different and very minimal fashion. Back then I worked on this by taking pictures and adding a short statement to it, inside the frame. The statement might have been one word or just a half sentence, usually in German. Back then I was still writing poetry. Not particularly good poetry, I might add, but just the usual teenage angst type of stuff.
If you want to meet this old incarnation of me (and maybe understand a little German, although that’s not entirely necessary for the most part), head over to http://www.klickerklacker.info. I have to say that the UX is slightly off, since it was supposed to illustrate that the world is not intuitive by itself. If you want to get to know people you sometimes have to keep prodding at some issues, even if you think you’ve already reached the end of the line. So, after the pop up opens you can find more than one picture, just keep clicking on the pictures until the window closes. Nowadays I would probably use a different approach to typesetting on the pictures themselves as well, but a few of the pictures I still find quite interesting.
strange apparitions © Lilly Schwartz 2012
The project I’m working on now is again a combination of text and pictures, but this time with a focus on the text. The pictures I use are mostly public domain, old illustrations from long out of print books, historical photographs, or pictures taken from scientific sources. The idea is to create a study of how different lines of thinking flow together with the perception of the external world. By taking aspects of our visual culture out of context, we can easily create a view that is largely unrelated to what reality really looks like. All of this is based on the assumption that our perception of the world mainly depends on how we interpret what is happening around us from our individual viewpoint.
It is in fact also a quite personal project and might not even say much to other people, since within the project I take little things that happen to me and interpret them differently in a what-if kind of mode. Instead of the relatively down-to-earth type of person that I have become over the last few years, I take on a very paranoid, maybe even misanthropic viewpoint. Of course this can only make sense for anyone else, if I really go overboard with this and create an interpretation that is so absurd that everyone immediately sees how strange all of this really is. The weird thing is that this different interpretation might be closer to what my view of things would have been like during the chaos of my teenage years, of course without reviving the more naive aspects of teenage angst. It plays with melancholy, anxiety and a sense of doom that befalls us for no apparent reason, while working mostly with strange coincidences and focussing on disturbing aspects of the world around us.
So far I have no real clue, where this will lead me, whether it will be long or short and whether it will even reach a conclusion, since it meanders through every day thoughts, obsessions and nightmares. As I say, I’m actually concerned that it might not make much sense to anyone else at this point, but I think if done right this can also be quite interesting to other people. I will tinker around with this for a while and see whether it works or not.
On the novel front I have finally cracked the 70,000 words mark and added a scene after being a bit blocked for a while. I’m not sure how long it will still take me to finish, considering that I’m somewhat distracted as well, but it feels like I’m close to finally wrapping up the first draft. There are still at least 4 scenes missing, but I already know most of their details since I’ve been going over them a lot in my head during the last couple of months.
Hiding from empty pages
When writers are blocked they sit at their desk gloomily and stare at a blank page, right? That’s what the movies show. It’s how writers are depicted. However, I think it’s nothing more than a myth. Do people really do something as silly as that? Do people really sit and stare at their empty pages without writing anything for hours? No, I don’t think so. It’s certainly not what I do. When I’m blocked, I can’t even sit down and look at a blank page. Instead I read one book after another or watch movie after movie. Or I might even do both. When I was still at uni I started to clean the bathroom to escape all that daunting stuff.
Can I make it? Can I really finish this manuscript? I only wanted to take a few days off. Now it’s a month later and I’m full of doubts. Is it good enough? Do I even have a chance? Do I even want to finish it? It’s strange how a bit of doubt can ruin all of our momentum and throw us back into pitying ourselves. Self-pity also seems to be one of these stereotypical emotions of writers.
The other day I finally got a bit of a break, sat down and wrote something. It wasn’t for my novel, but something that I dreamed up spontaneously. I left Scrivener open and added a few lines every now and then. A bit of a story was coming together after all, but nothing too elaborate. Just what poured out of me in some of these moments when I looked at the chestnut tree in the yard. There it was again, that need to write, but somehow I still didn’t dare to touch the novel. How do I find my way back into that story? How do I manage to get these dialogues to work? That third part of the novel turned out to be like some sort of gloomy grey vampire. It’s sucking all the energy out of me. And that I say without even having given it a try for a month.
Then earlier my computer crashed. Did I save what I wrote these last few days? I was almost a little afraid to open Scrivener again. If I had to write it all again, I would just abandon it and my momentum wouldn’t return. When I finally conjured up the courage to click on the icon, it was all still there.
This morning I came up with another little scene for that new story. It’s actually something I dreamed about last night, a particularly powerful image that stuck in my mind this morning. Difficult to describe the flavour of this new story. I doubt it’s going to be very long. I also doubt that it’s going to be very profound. At least I’m writing though. At least I’m not just hiding from my empty pages. Or is writing something new also just procrastination? I can’t decide.
Keeping it together
Sometimes it’s necessary to take a break and evaluate where you’re going with your writing. That’s what I did over the last few days. I haven’t even looked at my text. I read books that could count as research and had conversations with my brother about the story. I have been having some problems with the third part and I think a bit of time off helped me to get some new leads for it. Generally I think that I will need quite a bit of editing, before I’ll be happy with it. It also seems to me that I have to live up to quite a personality with all of it. The protagonist is quite strongly connected with a real person, even someone I admire, so it’s all very precarious and I want to get it right. To make things worse, there is a 50 / 50 chance that the whole effort will be for nothing. This real person could easily block the novel from ever being published if he doesn’t like the idea. This little problem was easy to ignore while I was nowhere near finishing the first draft, but now I’m actually rather close and it’s becoming more of a real problem. The more I advance on my draft, the closer I get to the problem of approaching this person and asking about his opinion on my work.
And then there was also the problem with the idea for the sequel. The idea actually blocked me somewhat and I couldn’t quite concentrate on getting this current story developed properly. It’s difficult enough to keep the first part coherent, considering that the third part seems so different from the rest. Having another new and different idea in my head makes it even harder to keep it all in order. I will maybe read for a couple more days, but then I should really start to write again.
All in all it’s not exactly smooth sailing these days, but I’m still working on it, even if it’s only progressing in my head.
Staying in the zone
I never had problems with writer’s block. I probably write too much and not too little. The problem is the quality about which I’m never quite sure. Today was probably the first time during this entire experiment of writing the first draft for my novel that I went back to re-write something. I told myself that I wouldn’t do that until I’m editing, because I can be a very harsh critic, when it comes to my own writing. And still, it was just such weak shit! I wrote it last night when I was a bit tired and not in the best mood. I had some inspiration, but in my state of mind I just couldn’t deliver. This morning I looked at it and thought of just deleting it right away, since I wasn’t quite sure where to put the scene anyway. Then it struck me though that it’s exactly what I told myself not to do until I’m done. And interesting enough, although it didn’t fit the general standard, it sort of fits into the mood. There was a place for it in a chapter that isn’t outlined yet, I’m sure of it. So I went back and re-wrote it. The scene became double the initial length, 10 times the amount of imagery and, well, swearing, and now, when I was just reading it out loud to check the flow, it gave me the chills. Not bad at all. Re-writing is fine, as long as you know that you need to add and not to replace. Spending hours replacing one word, is a waste of time. I added mood, atmosphere, coherence and doing it right now was also a good choice. It’s much better than trying to figure out what I was trying to say in a couple of months time, when I will be forced to edit this weak shit anyway. Instead of feeling that I wasted time last night, I now feel I have written something quite good when I combine yesterday’s and today’s efforts.
Earlier I also saw the film Naked Lunch by Cronenberg. In a remote sense it’s actually about writing, but actually it’s more about hallucinations and trying to find inspiration in drugs. I remember that when my mum saw it for the first time she got a blister from disgust, because this typewriter keeps turning into a bug. It’s crazy stuff. Still, it gave me something, a vague inspiration that had nothing to do with its hallucinatory qualities. It was about being in the zone and reaching a quality that makes you wonder where all this stuff came from. Maybe being just crazed by drugs will let you forget, but in fact I had times when I was completely sober and still wrote something utterly unbelievable. The next day, when I read it over, I was just: “Wait, who wrote this stuff?! Couldn’t have been me …” Call it inspiration, divine intervention, delusions, but in the end it just reads as if a higher power was guiding your hand. I guess that’s what writers are not getting, when they’re fighting the writer’s block and delete everything they write a few hours later. It’s less about not being able to write at all and more about feeling that everything you happen to write is just not good enough.
It comes down to this though: Writing a novel continually in the zone is impossible, unless you hurt yourself as much as people like Burroughs did. I don’t even want to be in the zone all the time, because it wouldn’t give me any time to plan my story. I don’t need to scramble to get there either, especially if I believe in my story. The zone will come, eventually when you’re in the right mindset and know what mood you’re trying to create. Ideally all of what I write every day, will get up to the same standard eventually, but until then I can also allow myself to have some weak shit waiting for editing. If then suddenly I end up in the zone, I can break my own rules, no problem. If you need to re-write, you do it. It’s just as important as the urge to write in the first place. The trick is to know when to stop. When to try to get out of the zone, go out, have a life and then come back to sit at your desk in the morning again. It’s knowing when to stop editing. Knowing when you’re too tired to write anything coherent anymore. I’m still working on that kind of knowledge for myself.
Vulgar and slightly pornographic
Progress, progress, progress. Yesterday I accidentally wrote a whole scene without using the word “fuck” once. When I noticed that, I was so shocked that I had to change the scene this morning. Tells you something about that writing style of mine. When I told a good friend yesterday that what I was writing was “vulgar and slightly pornographic” he said “I know, that’s what I gathered when you said you’re writing again …” Haha.
So, yesterday:
Today then the great surprise that I was about to crack the 40000 words, so 50% of my novel. This milestone crept up on me somehow without me noticing. The second lead character is getting more shape now, although most of the things that are known are things that this person doesn’t do. The scene about the things this person doesn’t do was quite a fun scene to write, because it’s reasonably difficult to describe these things people don’t do without being boring. It’s like the pink elephant you’re not supposed to think about. Writing about the things people don’t do, makes explicit how much can be said about us even by just observing our non-behaviour. Very strange. I should write a short story about someone who doesn’t do certain things. It would probably be fun and a cool experiment to still have a sort of change in the character within the story.
With my scene about the things the second lead character doesn’t do, I didn’t manage to crack the 40000. I cracked it with a description of the colour grey. There is quite a lot to say about this colour, mainly because it’s so versatile. 40000 words. Quite an achievement! And I’m still on track to finish the first draft on the 01.04.2012. I have to write 1900 words on average every day to make this deadline. So far I’ve not been having many problems to achieve that, since the story seems to be coming naturally to me.
Today:
The flavour of real people
What I am writing at the moment is supposed to capture a certain mood, which wafts through certain parts of society. It’s the mood of those, who are disappointed now, because even the good jobs nowadays make you feel useless and as if you’re wasting your time. Underneath it all there lies a certain truth. Namely that whatever you do, you’re trying to sell people crap they don’t really need. We need food and shelter, and then only when that is covered, we can even start to think about whether our work is fulfilling or not, or whether we even want something like an iPad. No amount of cash or shiny objects will ever make us happy, even if advertising tells us otherwise. No, it’s fundamentally what we ourselves do with our lives that matters. Living with dignity helps, so that you don’t have to apply for benefits even though you have a 40 hour job. Being valued, really valued helps. Not being a hamster in a pointless wheel helps. Doing something that you enjoy and makes you feel as if you’re contributing something worthwhile to society, that’s what has the potential for happiness. A lot of people don’t ever have a shot at something like that and this is at the core of what I’m writing. There is a lot of sarcasm in it and a lot of universal truths that are demonstrated with someone, whose life is shit for no fault of his own.
There are some very odd characters in it generally, interesting people you might not ever meet in real life, but they all have people I know as a basis. None of them is inspired by one single person, they’re all mixtures of different people, who have the characteristics of a certain type of person, who is trying and trying, but never really gets ahead. I’m trying to make these people more than stereotypes, because they are fleshed out with details, with conflicting emotions that make them inconsistent, like the real people out there. That’s where I’m trying to get, capturing the flavour of certain people, without copying them one to one. And every one of them expresses this fundamental need for meaning that society is failing to provide somehow, although they themselves also all fail differently at their attempts to live a different life. It’s not so easy, really, but I’m having a lot of fun writing it. I can criticise a lot of things, because they stay the opinion of the story teller, which might or might not be my own opinion. I can make fun of a lot of things and to be honest I’m also expecting to piss people off in the process. Fundamentally though, I’m just trying to tell a story of those people, who end up never getting what they really want, because that’s just how their life works.
I’m making good progress. Last night I couldn’t sleep until late and ended up working a scene over and over until it had just the right attitude to it. I was tired, so it was difficult, but in the end I closed the laptop at 2.30 am and was finally happy with what I had written. 2400 words again and 2 scenes. It feels as if there is still a lot of work to be done, but I’m progressing with the writing. Soon I will be halfway through.
Thanks, universe …
I had a few slow days with only some hundred words each, but today I got back into it and managed to write over 2000 again, finishing two scenes. I’m still on schedule for having the first draft all ready at the beginning of April. That is if I keep up the work and stick to the word count.
These days I’m mainly having difficulty with some of the filler scenes that drag the story along, but don’t let me shine with nice details. I’m not good at writing stuff that goes “and then this and that happened”. Those are the scenes that will need the most work in editing I guess.
By the way, the second lead character appeared now and that’s going to be fun as well. It’s still mainly focused on the main protagonist, but I’m fleshing the second lead out now with backstory. It’s all very distanced still. The character is there, but not many concrete things are known. I will keep this character the mystery throughout actually and the protagonist will never even find out a name.
In the third part another few people will appear and until then I should probably get some grip on the “this and that happened” bits. After that going back to the filler scenes for editing should be much easier actually. I can’t believe I’m already 40% into this project. How did that happen? All these years I’ve been trying to get up on a story that was flowing like this one. I guess the universe is giving me a break for a change.
Give me sarcasm
There are days when it’s harder to write. Today it was a difficult haul somehow, although it was all about stuff I know well and that I care about. Still, it was difficult. In the end I found my sarcasm pretty amusing and think it might actually annoy the hell out of some people. Probably just what I’m going for on this one.
I’m still on schedule and made my daily word target of 1800 words. Since I’ve been writing significantly more than I was meant to the last few days, the number for my daily target is falling. I still have that half written scene on my back though. Well, yesterday’s unfinished business is now the day before yesterday’s unfinished business.
Today I am past 33.3%, so I have 1/3 finished. And I’m still having a lot of fun with it. I think that’s the most important part!
Yesterday’s unfinished business
I guess, when things you normally would have to research just pop out of your memory, you’re writing about something that is very close to your heart. Today this happened to me and I was glad that somehow I could start making sense of some things that weren’t quite clear to me before. It’s as if there has been a secret motivation behind it, although it only just now became clear to me.
However, I got so tired in the end that I got stuck mid-scene, which is not really good, if your routine is to start your day by thinking up a new scene to write later while you’re still in bed. Yesterday’s unfinished business isn’t exactly fitting in that context.
In any case, I actually have a third of it written now. I need to just finish that one scene and write one more to actually be able to make a cut and start with writing the second part, which I hope will be at least a bit less context and a bit more action. Not entirely likely, since at this point it’s mostly still building the conflict for the third part, the calm before the storm, figuratively speaking. The third part is supposed to be all action and rip everything to shreds.
Vulgar badly written crap … or not?
Do you ever have one of these days when you read what you’ve written and think “My goodness, I wonder what it sounds like to other people!” Am I just writing pretentious dribble, or is this merely vulgar badly written crap that should never see the light of day? Or is it actually brilliant and people will see it for what you intended it to be? Well, in any case, I’m having one of these days, after I heard an interview with a writer who I admire and who I’d like to ask for an opinion at some point.
I also wrote quite a bit today. I have to say that while I was cooking dinner I had to sit back down and write down a sentence that just popped into my head while I was stirring some prawns in the pan. Another sentence came to me in the shower again and in general I really feel like I’m making good progress on the story. I ticked off several points I wanted to put into the story and I’m almost ready to start the second part now which also introduces the second main character.
At the moment I’m wondering whether my structure might not actually be a bit boring, but at the moment I can’t really decide, because I’m too much into the story already, to be able to judge objectively. As you might notice, I’m having a rather skeptical day here. Well, it’s fine though, I’ll just carry on and then deal with these issues later on, when the whole story stands.
the shower: a creative fountain (pun intended)
Having a long shower is probably the most productive action a creative person can take.
“Hey, why is our water bill so high?”
“I’ve been writing lately …”
I somehow managed to get 4000 words out today, all thanks to my shower this morning. Came up with two whole scenes and wrote them too! Now I’ve written too much today to write about writing now, so excuse the fact that I’m merely boasting about my word count.
The big question about editing
Today I asked my friend Tony how his writing and editing process works. He already has several books out and he is a sculptor in his main occupation. I myself wasn’t quite sure whether I should do some editing already while I’m still writing. He told me that he first finishes the draft and doesn’t go back to edit during the writing stage. At this point he only has a clear view of the end, while the rest comes together in the progress with certain milestones he sets for himself. This is also how I work, although I don’t even have milestones. If I know the story in all its details before I’m even writing it, it’s too boring for me. I want to develop it as it goes. Especially since there are many things that might work well in your head, but that actually don’t fit once they are written down. So, right now I’m not quite sure what exactly is going to happen in the middle part, but I know exactly how it ends. I have even written the scene already.
Once Tony has finished his draft, he starts editing from the beginning. During the first edit he still makes big changes, and after that he goes over it at least one or two times more, to make sure it all fits together and catch some formal bits like spelling and grammar. After that he gives it to be read by other people to catch more of the formal stuff. In the end he then collects all changes in a single version. This is basically the point where he is finished with the whole thing and the rest is just the publishing stuff.
To me this sounds like a very sensible and orderly process, but I think when it comes to the actual writing bit, he’s just as much a mess as I am. I don’t necessarily work chronologically and sometimes I know I’m writing something that rips a hole into other parts. Then I end up going back and try to make it coherent again, which is the part I’m unsure about. So far these changes were all minor and were not really a big job, which makes me think that going back during the writing progress is ok for those things, but probably dangerous if you have to make bigger changes. That I create gaps or problems in already finished parts happens especially when I think of a sentence or a little fact that I’d like to bring into the story. They might have not so little repercussions for the story.
Generally the whole writing process is going well for me though and I’m making my main character more and more a whole person at this stage. I’m still setting the scene a little before I start the real action and I’m wondering now whether a structure with three parts might actually be appropriate. The first part would be what I’m mainly writing now. At the moment I’m not quite sure whether the second part really holds up like that though. However, even what I’m writing now is not exactly what I originally had in mind and it still works very well. I guess I just have to see about the structure and how well it all fits together when I get to the editing stage.
Today I again managed to meet my goal and wrote about 2100 words, mostly on a single scene that has one sentence I find just fantastic. It’s a bit vulgar, so I’m not going to quote it here, but it really paints quite a picture for that little a sentence. I’m quite proud of it, although it’s again one of those sentences that would make me wonder whether I’d want my mum to read it. Oops.
What just happened?
I had a particularly good day writing (2300 words) and managed to draft a dialogue that I particularly like. Of course I know that probably half of it won’t survive the editing, but it’s good to be getting it out of me. The story is by now haunting me and suddenly starts developing when I’m in the shower or eating breakfast. It’s almost as if it wants to be written. My second lead character is also taking shape now and I had some good ideas how to make my research even more interesting. It’s begging to be written.
I’m starting to remember now how the whole writing process can manage to fully engulf you, gobble you up and then spew you out half-digested, wondering what the hell just happened. I’m sure that happened to me once or twice this week and I love it. Soon I have my protagonist visiting my dreams trying to wake me up, so that I sit down and continue writing. What was it about the need to write they always talk about? Well, writers need that. And it’s trying to eat me now … somehow cool.
Aiming high
Although I didn’t have brilliant ideas today that made me chuckle about my own sarcasm I surely had a good day writing. I managed to get 2300 words down and finish an entire scene that I was writing. I’ve also been putting off writing a specific scene that I have in mind, because I just wasn’t in the right mood. Obviously I had enough to write about anyway.
And then I also found this great feature in Scrivener that shows you how you’re doing with your project target. You can set the amount of words you’re generally aiming at, set a deadline and it will calculate for you how much you need to write every day to keep your deadline. It also shows you your progress in a neat colour-coded progress meter, a bit like the ones I’m posting here, just more fancy. It even lets you set a Growl notification that pops up when you reach your session target. Today I moved from a red project target bar to an orange one, so it actually gives me nice positive feedback on all the progress I’ve been making today. Certainly motivating. If I would manage to keep my target of 2000 words a day I would be finished with my goal of 80000 words by the 1st of April, which is so soon that it’s laughable. I doubt that I’ll be able to manage that, really, but aiming high sometimes helps with the motivation. As you might have noticed, my procrastination project has somehow amounted to something proper that I’m really eager to follow through. After working on it properly for a few days I’m happy to say that there can’t be any doubt now: It’s a great and promising project.
Laughing about chainsaws
Today it seemed to me as if half the day was spent assembling my sofa that I had in storage for a long time. It probably took only an hour. Later I started looking through messages, trying to help a friend with some job stuff and then eventually I managed to sit down and actually write. By the time it was probably 4pm. Again I wrote less, only 800 words. However, I was laughing so much about one of my ideas (it features a chainsaw) that I think I can be happy with my achievements today. And also one of the places is coming together nicely now. I think I’m managing to give it a lot of life. I even spent half an hour searching online for a picture of a similar place and finally found a black and white photograph from the 1920s that had exactly the kind of feel I needed to imagine it properly. Then, later on up until now I spent another few hours just researching. I was listening to music, writing down titles and names, short excerpts of lyrics, that resonated with something I had in mind. Probably the part I like the most about this project: The writing it is fun, but the research is even more fun! Tomorrow I will attempt to start writing in the morning and then I hope I can get some more out, maybe I manage to finish the scene I started today as well.
One inch at a time
Something strange happened today. I turned my routine upside down. Instead of working dutifully in the morning and procrastinating mostly in the afternoon I did it the other way round today. I was writing messages to friends, checking the stats of my blog, reading facebook, tweeting, writing another message, listening to music and then finally I sat down and started to write. Actually I sat down with a coffee and then finally it started to flow a bit, maybe there is a connection there.
Today the writing went slowly though in general. I’m still working on the procrastination project, and since that’s the one I can’t leave alone at the moment, it’s probably a sign that it’s the project with the bigger potential. Right in the first paragraph there was this little detail that I needed to research, which quickly amounted to a major web search, but then finally I found what I needed. Even after that it didn’t quite want to come together until finally something popped, it all started making sense and the sarcasm was just flowing out of me (that’s a good thing in this case). In the end I even started chuckling about one of the sarcastic remarks, which almost never happens to me, and then I was quite happy with what I wrote today. It was such a struggle to really get into it though.
I’m also not quite hitting my preferred 2000 words a day mark lately, but that’s hard anyway if you’re still working on the story, the characters and the places at the same time. It’s more like 1000 at the moment, which is decent enough I guess and I believe that it will pick up as soon as I’m more sure about the details of the scenes. I already have a couple of new ones in mind, but they are mostly the challenging ones. Oh well, I’ll get there eventually.
It’s all about the voice
Do you know these days, when nothing is really wrong, but every little disappointment builds up to ruining your day? Well, that’s what happened to me today. If I would make a list of the things that annoyed me today, it would all sound very silly, and still I’m feeling sort of betrayed by a day that started out quite well actually. Already early in the day I managed to write quite a bit and then had a great conversation with a friend. Then I wrote some more and managed to find some music that was just the thing I needed to get on with my writing. Things still went wrong from there and I can’t even really pinpoint what it all was about. And with that, enough is said and probably tomorrow it all seems lighter and less depressing.
And on a happier note I wrote a scene for my procrastination project today that just flowed out naturally. It’s building the character of the protagonist and has some nice details, which show that I’m full of really weird sarcasm. I’m enjoying the writing process of this, because it feels like I don’t have to struggle to maintain a coherent voice. Due to the nature of the topic, which I can’t really say anything about yet, this whole project would lend itself perfectly to copying the style of someone who I personally admire. I would really have an obvious reason for doing this, but instead all that comes out is a different voice, maybe my own with a few more edges to it. It is really the first time that the voice comes naturally to me, because the voice that comes out is exactly what this story needs. Later on, about halfway through maybe, I will probably have to adapt the voice a little more towards the style of the mentioned person, but this I will have to do carefully after much more research and it will be much harder than what I’m writing right now. Difficult to say whether I’m on the right track or not, but the more I think about the idea, the more I’m convinced that it will be great once it’s finished. And the best thing is that the research for it is right up my ally, I don’t have to struggle at all or go very far from what I know anyway. I can just continue spending my time doing what I want. This is also why in the afternoon I stopped writing and started listening to music, since that is very much connected to the project.
If I hadn’t been writing and making progress today, it would have been a rather annoying day, but this way I have at least something positive to say.
The right environment for writing
Not even a single word did I write for any of my projects today, but honestly that’s totally alright. Instead I’ve done some research on one of the topics, thought about what really matters for writing great literature and I now actually have a desk and even more important: a very comfortable desk chair too. This is really a step in the right direction, because the right place and position to write can change your entire mind set. For me having a desk isn’t enough. I need a really good chair or I won’t even go near the desk.
I personally also don’t like offices. I rather work from home where I can put the music on, make good coffee and eat whenever I feel like it. I can also take breaks as often as I want in the way I want, which really helps productivity. If you force me to go and sit in an office I will work 1 out of 8 hours effectively, while at home it will be more like 5 or 6. Strange that employers are not more flexible about this.
Still, there has to be a bit of separation between the place where you work and where you sleep or else you will end up insomniac, like I’ve been for so many years. For the first time in my life I now have a desk that is not in the same room as my bed. A huge step forward on the sleeping front, I think, but also on the working front, if the chair turns out to be as comfortable in the long run as it is when sitting in it for a few minutes. I will see tomorrow how it holds up.
character development in the subway
Did you ever notice that there much more crazy people in big cities? Well, yesterday I was on the subway here in Berlin and was suddenly surrounded by all sorts of strange characters. It was about 8pm on a Friday night and I was on my way home from buying a new desk. So we had:
- the junkie
- the dog
- the dog hater
- the dog owners
- the dog lover
- the homeless man
- the bottle collector
- the asshole
- the friend of the asshole
Now, let me just paint the picture for you:
1. the junkie
He looked almost young, but he had extremely weird bags under his eyes that were as pale as the rest of his skin. He had unwashed thin brown hair that almost reached his shoulders. He was wearing mascara combined with army boots, black jeans, a brown leather jacket of indefinite age, mismatching ski gloves – one brown one black – , a weird black women’s hat with a grey hatband behind which he had stuffed a tea spoon. He had also over-sized yellow children’s sunglasses lying on the rim of the hat that suggest his origin in the punk scene. Apart from that he sported the most bored look imaginable that would still dart from one person to the next.
2. the dog
An old female German shepherd’s dog with brown fur, slightly hanging ears and rather melancholic eyes. Several times she tried to escape out of the grip of the male dog owner.
3. the dog hater
Arab with a white beard who was sitting down. As soon as he saw the dog standing next to him he reacted as if he was offended, stood up and left.
4. the dog owners
A man and a woman. He sported indefinite male looks with indefinite clothes, rather indiscriminate. He was standing and kept the dog locked between his legs. The woman was blond with chin long hair, a Scandinavian face, boots and a good coat. Both youngish, probably early 30s. She sometimes started talking to the dog and made noises to get her attention.
5. the dog lover
Indefinite male character, starts asking questions about the dog, for example whether he is afraid. The owner now starts making sure that the stranger knows that the dog is female. A quick superficial comment of the dog lover says that it looks as if the dog was afraid, since the male dog owner has to keep her between his legs.
6. the homeless man
He is far to the left, so I neither see his face nor his clothes. He sports a slurring voice that suggests how unhealthy it must be to live out there in the street while it’s as cold as it is now. He desperately tries to sell his homeless magazine for the price of “only 1.50€” and “maybe you can also spare a few cents so that I can wash my clothes”. When the homeless man gets onto the subway the other passengers scurry away as if they were dealing with a leper. I can hear their thoughts “Oh god, I hope he doesn’t touch me.”
7. the bottle collector
The reaction of the passengers to him is similar to that towards the homeless man. They scurry in all directions when he sits down, the female dog owner gets up and the bottle collector takes her place. He has a little shopping cart, like the ones old ladies use, and a plastic bag from a cheap supermarket is tied to its handle. It gets dislodged several times and falls to the side, which he is trying to prevent while mumbling to himself. When he got the bag under control he puts his hand deep into the shopping cart as if he was artificially inseminating a cow and produces a bottle of beer. It is obvious by now that he’s staggeringly drunk. He gets the bottle opener out of a front pocket of the shopping cart fiddling a long time to find the pocket, finding the bottle opener in the pocket and struggling not to let it slip out of his hand. After he has opened the bottle the opener disappears more quickly back to its original place. The unshaven face of the bottle collector scrounges up as if he’s eating a lemon when he is drinking from the bottle. Apparently he doesn’t like beer. A shame really, since that’s all he can afford.
8. the asshole
He is wrapped in stylish attire, or what he thinks that entails. Padded running shoes that honestly look silly, but which are probably incredibly expensive, jeans of a tight, but not too tight fit, with the tag of one of the expensive brands, a jacket that is hardly enough for the weather but looks expensive. His face is red, as if he’s too warm or on weird drugs. He’s young, but older than his friend, maybe 25. Short spiky hair cut with about a ton of hair gel in it, eyebrow piercing. He probably has a distasteful tattoo somewhere under his clothes too. Every couple of minutes he speaks on his smartphone which is for some reason pink. First I think that he might be gay since he’s paying too much attention to his clothes, but then he doesn’t quite have the right style and shouts too loudly while he’s speaking on the phone. After his first phone conversation he says to his friend. “That was my half girlfriend. You met my proper one, but you gotta meet her too, she’s gorgeous. A little stupid though.” Yeah, you gotta be talking, idiot! Later on the way out he shouts at random strangers that he finally has arrived. Definitely drugs, but no idea what kind.
9. the friend of the asshole
He sports the gangster style, baggie clothes, instead of a coat he wears one of those sports jumpers into which two guys of his stature would fit. He has a baseball cap sideways on his head. About 18, seems almost shy, but he might be played down by his cocky friend. His comments are short and I can’t hear them from where I am sitting. When they leave the train he trots behind the other guy like a silent shadow.
Obviously the junkie, the bottle collector and the asshole left more traces in my memory, but this doesn’t mean that they are good characters for main protagonists. They are too far removed and it’s hard to feel empathy for them without further characterization. I feel compelled by the male dog owner who remained somewhat indefinite, since he didn’t speak and had nothing special about him. Also the friend of the asshole seems worth exploring. How and why does he cope with that cocky bastard? However, these passing characterizations might actually be enough to make a subway ride more vivid, maybe that’s enough already.
So, now I know it: Next time I need some character meat I just get on the subway for a while and watch people.
the problem of having a limited attention span
I thought I had at least a few more days of free flow before me. I hoped to get lots of words out every day and already now, about 6 days into the writing process, there is my usual problem again: my limited attention span! Seriously, I think I have the attention span of a 5 year old. As soon as something new and shiny comes along, I forget everything around me.
There I was this morning thinking hard about my writing process. Do I start from the characters and build a story around them or do I start from the story and build a character that fits? And as I was thinking, I thought of certain characters I like, what I like about them and how they would get to an exciting story even if they had an utterly boring life normally. One character popped right into my head, the typical loner without any friends, with an unfulfilling job and a mortgage for a shabby little place. It’s hard to find a good story for him, since he’s not interesting as such. He’s the guy you meet in Scandinavian crime novels, the guy you don’t want to date, and the only thing that makes him get any action at all in those kind of novels is of course that he is the bored inspector and has a huge … uhm … gun. Now, if he didn’t have that job, what would make him interesting?
And bam, there I had a great idea that had it all, the event that sets it all in motion, the right girl, a cool story with bite and swearing, a nice first sentence, hell, even a nice last sentence. All in all the basic outline was already in my head as soon as I had the tip off event. I could even already picture the actor who would play my hero in the film and in my imagination he would be so smitten with my story that he’d go ahead and produce it right away. Yes, we writing folk need imagination, but when we manage to kick it into action, it normally runs right off with us into the wild stuff with the cowboys and the horses, maybe even into outer space. We never picture the moderate success or a former professor who writes us a card saying “A good first attempt, I’m looking forward to the next one”.
Now, what do I do? In the past I probably would have plunged right into the new idea. I would have written a few thousand words until I would have encountered the first problem and then I probably would have abandoned it as quickly as the idea hit me in the first place. However, if I’d just start writing like this, it would also mean abandoning this project here. Only the second post on the blog dedicated to this project and I run off with the next idea? Well, that would be kinda quick, right? No, of course not! Now that I’ve gone through the trouble to set up this blog it can’t just be abandoned like that. My question is rather: Do I put the new idea on ice and wait until the rose coloured clouds around my head lift a bit? Or do I just start writing on the new idea as well as a form of “healthy procrastination”?
And of course with all this excitement about The New Idea [TM] and a more than serious attempt to buy a desk in IKEA – it’s white with drawers and will be delivered on Monday – I have not even written a single word today. Impending doom? Sure, what else is new …! Well, at least I can say that I bought writing equipment …
bearable is barely enough 